Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Caesar & The Psychologist

Anu Radha

The Madiwala Bus Stop was crowded. We waited for a little privacy, as we did not feel like moving elsewhere. The blood stains where thick and clotted, but was not really visible through my hair. But as it was my blood, I could feel it – just as I could feel her hand on mine. Both left a scar. 

Her name is Anu Radha. Like millions of her admirers, I call her Anu. 

“What did Sreejith say?” 

“That I need to consult a psychologist.” Head hurt and the clot prevented further blood flow. I knew I smelled of blood and mud. 

But Anu didn’t care. Her face was sad. “People might not recognize what you are capable of. But I know. I always knew…” She put hers arms around me. 

What was I capable of? – I did not know. But it sounded good. 

A passing couple frowned at us. The lady was in purdah. And the man wore a white cap. They were trying to make it very clear that Islam does not permit embracing in Bus Stops. May be its just about him. 


The Google Talk popped up the screen. I scrolled down and down to check who is online. I saw Priya. And when I mouse-hovered her name, the profile expanded to give me a glimpse of her snap. She was gorgeous. She wore a pink top and khaki trousers. This one was her typical side view pose. And she made sure that all her curves are visible so that the viewer is ready to jerk-off. 


“Hei… Jubith. How are you?” 

“Doing good and how’s you?” 

“Great. LA is just as captivating as FL” 

“Oh. So u r in America” 

“Didn’t I tell you that…?” 

“No” (The last time I talked to her was from college – 4 years ago.) 

“Oh. Sorry. How’s Anu?” 

“She should be fine. We broke up.” (I made it sound as if it was just normal.)

 “Oh my; you ditched her?” 


“So she dumped you.” 


I was amazed at what America had done to Priya. If a relation broke, it was the guy who ditched. And he is a culprit. He had to pay for it. If it was the girl who left, She dumped him. She was not interested. He was bad. 

“Then what happened?” 


Then I told her the story of a 4-year relation that broke up one Friday morning. At the end of the Story, I knew I was supposed to reach a conclusion. But I didn’t know what.


The Caesar was slowly holding the strings of my senses. It slipped from my tongue to my stomach; only to stand up fierce & roaring with victory. I sat restlessly in the Bus from Chennai to Bangalore. Now Anu would come to conquer the Caesar. He would oblige and bend his head down and crown her as the Queen. And i did not have a choice but to grace it with tears running down my cheeks. 

From the day man started to worship Idols instead of the one true god, the theory of relativity evolved to the Relativity of memories - Just like I remember the sambar served at school whenever I hear songs of Ashiquie, despite the fact that 10 long years have passed, Just like we feel power when we see a Shiva Idol and peace when we worship Vishnu. 

The Relativity theory has its origin even before Caesar bowed down to Anu. When Anu was the fresh dew of a rainy night, when she was the breeze that blew the heat away, when she was the flower that bloomed, inviting the spring, when she was the green that reciprocated peace, power and prosperity. 

When she left me behind, she did not care about the vital bodies that would talk about relativity – That it would come back to conquer the Caesar. 

I had scars on my body – Scars, which lost its paint, which were bloody pale. I did not want to cry. 

The mobile is the first thing I get hold of when I think about connectivity in spite of relativity. I scrolled down the numbers. I was stuck at one name. Gaia - The Airhostess friend of Anu. I had met her only once. Kingfischer couldn’t spell her name. So she trimmed her name from Gayatri to Gaia. 

I wanted to talk to a person who had no prejudice on what I might reach at. Gaia must be just that. I hardly knew her. 

I am using Anu’s old mobile phone and she had all her contacts in it. I would end up lying about how I got Gaia’s number. 

Gaia took the call.

“Hello. My name is Jubith. And I would like to know if I really know you. Your number was there in my contact list.” 

“Hei Jubith. I am Gaia. You don’t remember me?” 

“Gaia? You are Anu’s friend, right?” 


“Oh cool. Sorry to have called you up at night. How are you doing by the way?” 

“I am good. How’s Anu? It’s been almost 2 months I contacted her last.” 

“She should be fine. As she is getting married the fall of December, she should be really fine.”

I could hear my voice tremble. 

Gaia obviously sensed something is wrong.

“Is she not getting married to you?” 



“We will talk sometime later Gaia. I’m caught up with something. Is that ok?”

That was a lie and I did not want her to think that I am a Snuggy baby weeping over pissing in the diapers. 

“Ok. Take care.” 

I got the urge to call her back as soon as I kept the phone. Now that I don’t have a reason to, I was left in the bus thinking. The bus halted at a petrol pump. And those of us who wanted some fresh air in and some exhaust out, got out of the bus. 

I took the phone again. This time I would try to SMS – I really wanted to talk to Gaia or someone for that matter. 

I think I want to talk to you. Can I call you up? 

Yeah. Sure. 

I felt relieved. I called Gaia. And then I spoke of Caesar’s war which was lost and the theory of relativity. I talked to her about the sea, moon and the stars that were beautiful with Anu. I spoke about the Dust and the Carbon that’s filling the air when I am alone. I talked to her about the Vital Bodies that haunt me everyday. And I was glad she listened to all those. Even told me a few Airline stories. I was glad I made a friend. 


The birds in the cage were pleading for freedom. But they were supposed to keep quiet and provide the feel of the nature to her living room. She is Saraswathi. Unlike the goddess, she believed in caging those & them, which would provide her with all the earthly pleasures. This time it was I. 

The phone rang. I was amazed to read Anu Calling. Saraswathi’s hair strands went in my nose and I gasped for breath. 


“Anu here.” 

“I know” 

“But there are things that you don’t know – that people are smarter than you think” 

I was confused. 

“Did you call Gaia?” 

“Yeah. I did” 


“I felt like calling.” 

“Like you feel like going to restroom. Don’t you have common sense to understand that she would definitely call me up? That she is my friend and not yours” 

Saraswathi’s huge thighs fell on mine and my flesh went week. I pushed her away. I was getting frustrated. 

“Yeah. I thought of it. But what is wrong in that? I did nothing to insult you or our relation.” 

“Our relation. Huh! Gaia told me that I made the right choice when I left you. And I am proud I did that.” 

I did not answer that. I wanted Caesar. 

“She also told me that you are such an abnormal person that you need some counseling. Maybe a psychologist… And I think she is right.” 

I smelled of blood and mud. Saraswathi’s living room was now more of the Madiwala Bus Stop. 

“She said no girl in her senses would ever marry you. And I know she’s right.” 

I looked at Saraswathi. She looked concerned and tried to smile and keep me at ease. 

“Why don’t you just get out of my life than playing a stupid Devdas?” She banged the phone. 

I kept the phone away. I felt a cold breeze on my head and cheeks. Saraswathi was all around me now. 

“Was it Anu?” 


“What does she want?” 

“She wants me to meet a psychologist” 

“Hmm... Don't worry. She might not know what you were capable of. But I know. I always knew…” 

I smiled and I realised what I was really capable of. 

We made love.


Chennai weather is hot even in winter. And the nights would go crazy if you don’t have an air conditioner but you still prefer to sit at home. 

We have a wide Terrace that we could always rely on. And the nature provided us the necessary cover with a few trees all around the place. 

I am sitting with Siby, my only roommate and the lead actor in the first film I am making. He was filling the glasses, Opening food packets and setting the table on the open Terrace. 

We switched on from Mc Dowell’s Brandy to Caesar Brandy after we moved to Chennai. And since then, Caesar has always been there. 

“In the 14th scene, the one which has Niharika breaking up with Aadhityan, I would like to add a dialogue.”

 “What is that?”

 “That Aadhityan was abnormal and that’s why Niharika chose to leave him behind. And yes, he needs to consult a psychologist.” 

Siby laughed aloud. Put his hands up and gave me a Hi-fi. That was our version of saying aye. 

We said Cheers and sipped the first peg. 

“Caesar is an honorable man.” 

“Yes. He is”